wickedace: A small, purple, plush dragon (Default)
[personal profile] wickedace
There's a place, a headspace, I end up in sometimes, and have ended up in this evening. I'm going to write about it here, mostly to get the thoughts out of my head, and then I'm going to go and do something else - I think I will put dye on my hair, and then cook and eat dinner while it's on, and then wash it out, and that will probably fill up the evening.

So, this mood, headspace, thought cycle. I used to get it a lot when I was in my final year at uni, and having to think about what jobs to apply to, what to do with myself after graduation, and all that. These days, the trigger is usually thinking about writing on a day when writing is not going well - in particular, trying to think about character ideas.

When you're writing characters, everyone says, the important thing to know is what drives them, what they want out of life.

The problem is, this is a train of thought very much adjacent to the one that looks like "what do I want out of life?". And I (still!) don't know the answer to that.

The world tells me, "You can do anything! You can be whatever you want to be! Follow your passion! Follow your dreams!" But the world is assuming I have a thing I know I want to do/be, and there's some external circumstance holding me back from it.

I don't think I have a "passion". I mean, a lot of people probably don't. I don't think I have a "drive". Or a "dream", in the cheesy motivational meme sense. I have some things I enjoy doing (except when they send me down this spiral). I have some people I like spending time with. I have a job I enjoy most of the time. I have financial and housing security. I have a family I love. I have... a daily grind that's kind of okay? That's what this looks like.

When I think about this, it feels like pressure, wrapping around the sides of my brain and squeezing. I want to curl up and bury my face in a pillow and scrunch up my eyes and moan piteously. I want to hide from everything (but I want someone to turn up and tell me it's all okay?). I don't like it, and it upsets me.

I would like to be able to brainstorm character ideas without getting into this mess...

Some things I like:
(if I write them down here, it will remind me that there are some)
  • Writing, when I manage to do some, and not spiral like this
  • Photography, when there's something pretty to photograph
  • Reading
  • Watching films (I am slowly catching up with a bunch of old ones I've never seen)
  • Spending time with particular people
  • Cooking and eating tasty/fancy food
  • Going to comedy nights
What I am going to do now:
  • Have a snack and a drink of water
  • Put dye-safe clothes on
  • Put dye on my hair (I think the pillarbox red)
  • Cook dinner (perhaps chicken and new pots with white wine sauce?)
  • Eat dinner
  • Finish rereading Maskerade
  • Wash dye off hair
  • Bed, probably


wickedace: A small, purple, plush dragon (Default)

July 2017

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